Chicks Dig The Long Ball

In our discussion of Nancy Kress’s story, “Beggars in Spain,” the topic of performance enhancement was debated. Why is it okay to be born with a genetically enhanced body and not to enhance your body yourself? Humans have been striving for perfection throughout history with mixed results. We celebrate athletic achievements, and failure is never a viable option, despite what your parents told you. Ricky Bobby once said, “If you’re not first, your last,” and no truer words have ever been spoken. Winners get paid, and winners get laid. Chicks dig the long ball, so therefore I declare open season on performance enhancement.

Seriously, a 500ft home run is an amazing sight to behold, and probably wouldn’t be possible without the miracle drugs that professional athletes use to run faster, jump higher, and hit balls further then everyone else. To those that say that steroids are dangerous to one’s health, so is Taco Bell, and there are most likely plenty of scientists who could make steroids less harmful if they weren’t so jealous. I guess it’s human nature to be jealous, most people can work their entire lives and not make what A-Rod makes in a single season. He openly admitted that he used steroids, and does anyone care? Not Really. Because A-Rod hits home runs and wins championships.

Haters are gonna hate, it’s in their nature. Yet we all use performance enhancers everyday; we drink coffee and soda for energy, we drink beer to relax. Why not take HGH to get big and strong? So as Opening Day of the 2010 MLB season approaches, don’t worry if your favorite team’s players are playing, “clean,” worry about whether they have what it takes to play in October. As Kenny Powers said, “I’m the man who has the ball, I’m the man who can throw it faster than f***. So that is why I’m better than everyone in the world.” The swagger of a champion, all thanks to performance enhancement.

-Robert Jeter


~ by Robert Jeter on April 2, 2010.

2 Responses to “Chicks Dig The Long Ball”

  1. Yikes! You certainly struck a nerve with: “there are most likely plenty of scientists who could make steroids less harmful if they weren’t so jealous.” Do you really think scientists can predict the side effects of chemicals? And ask most scientists and they will tell you they aren’t “in it” for the money. They are passionate about that they do. I think the bigger issue is why are we paying athletes millions of dollars to hit a ball and paying doctors who SAVE lives substantially less.

  2. I’m getting tired of responding to your negative comments. I’m clearly not being serious, I’m just satirizing how people view athletes. Sports owners pay their players competitive salaries based on their productivity. They spend money on players so that they can place a competitive team on the field, and put paying customers in the stands. Would you rather the owner keep all that money? I think that scientists are great, but people aren’t lining up paying $30 to watch a scientist in a lab, and TV stations aren’t paying millions of dollars to for the right to broadcast surgeries. That’s why they don’t get paid as much as athletes. It has nothing to do with their impact on society.

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