The Ultimate in Athletic Doping

Barry Bonds Before and After His "Weightlifting" Regiment

One of the fun parts of being an Olympic medalist is having to take a drug test immediately after your event. In recent years, the Olympics have significantly increased their drug testing measures after several embarrassing doping scandals–particularly in the track and field events.

The Olympics are not the only ones in the world of sports cracking down on athletes seeking an unfair competitive advantage. Major League Baseball recently suspended star Manny Ramirez for 50 games during the 2009-10 season after he tested positive for a banned substance.

In past years, athletes have been caught taking everything from Human Growth Hormone to horse testosterone. Back in the day, baseball players were known for taking “greenies”, amphetamines very similar to the illegal drug, Speed. To some, the quest for glory (and the money that comes with it) is worth the damage they do to their bodies and the various long term health effects of doping.

While I’ve personally held off from shooting up with horse testosterone, I have often joked with my friends that in order to ensure my offspring’s athletic dominance, I need to marry someone who can jump high and run fast–my two main weaknesses. So it’s only natural that when someone in class asked what animal I would most like to be mixed with, I found myself immediately listing off all the animals that would make me a superior athlete to the rest of human kind. Perhaps this is what the next wave of overbearing sports parents will do—genetically engineer their children with beasts in order to have them score that big money contract. Considering the lengths many athletes already go to in order to gain a competitive edge, it is not out of the question that one day a brave soul will attempt to mix himself with some rhino DNA to gain some speed and strength. Or perhaps it is out of the question. That didn’t stop me from making my own list of the most beneficial animals to be mixed with.

Here are the animals I came up with, paired with which sport they would help me dominate:

Swimming: Dolphin (I’d destroy Michael Phelps)

Football: Bull

Track: Cheetah

Basketball: Kangaroo (Talk about hops!)

Baseball: Orangutan (Those guys throw hard.)

And most importantly for the sport of competitive eating, I would choose to be a bear. Why a bear? Watch this:

Feel free to leave your own animal choices and reasoning in the comments.

-Matt Popkin

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~ by mattpopkin on March 1, 2010.

One Response to “The Ultimate in Athletic Doping”

  1. No way did that video seriously just happen. Thank you, Fox.

    Now I want to know if the elephant can beat 40 midgets.

    Also, penguins and skeleton, a school of fish and synchronized swimming, and lemmings and the high dive.

    -Wade Wheatley

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